One of the things that I have long struggled with as a parent, as well as a pediatric psychologist, is how to manage the behavioral and emotional needs of multiple children simultaneously. So many of the strategies and techniques that are offered by ‘parenting specialists’ presume that there is either one child in the family, or one child needing the parent’s attention. It shows up in a number of the solutions promoted in my field and can contribute to why those strategies don’t work in so many families.
This assumption of one child/one problem fails to capture the reality in most families where parents aren’t able to effectively manage one child’s behavior because of having to attend to the other’s needs, or when there is intense sibling discord leading one child to hurt another in some manner, multiple children with emotional vulnerabilities, or even what happens when the tantrum of one kid kicks off tantrums in the others. It also fails to capture the higher baseline stress and exhaustion that we know exists in larger families, leading to fewer available resources to respond to the emotional needs of everyone. This is not to say that it is not stressful and tiring for families with single children – it is, and clearly parenting is hard for ALL parents. The reality is that when one child is struggling there is more room to focus your attention and resources on that child if there are no others to manage. In a situation with two, three, or more kids that becomes more difficult and there are not many parenting hacks that address this, leaving parents feeling like failures.
The truth is that there while there isn’t a single solution, there are things we do know about what’s helpful to kids and how parents can scale up these techniques as their families grow. Essentially these come down to connection, consistency, and curiosity.
Children crave connection and acceptance. They look to their caregivers to help inform the way they think about, feel about, and see themselves. If they feel consistently loved, accepted, and cared for by their parents (and other caregivers), they feel secure with themselves and in their world. That’s true no matter how many kids there are in your family, if your house is a mess, you yell more than you would like, or you need to give 768 reminders to your 10-year-old to put their shoes on. As a parent it can be so easy to lose touch with this foundational concept, and the distance from it can seem to drift further away every time your family grows, yet its simplicity is what I love about it.
Meaningful connection doesn’t have to be big and fancy with special days or time-consuming activities, or only between parent and child. It can happen WHILE the rest of the frenzy is going on, and sometimes it comes out of that everyday chaos. Besides, resilient connection is flexible – meaning that when you aren’t available (because, for example, the third kid is currently screaming their head off that the pasta shape is NOT in fact their preferred one) another child that is needing support can get some of that need met by another sibling, or the other parent in the household. It even looks like a child being able to wait, on their own, while you get the pasta-tastrophe sorted out and can offer them a hug and a listening ear while you do dishes. Your kids just want to feel connected to someone that loves them and part of being in a family is learning that each of us can offer a replica of that primary connection between parent and child.
It’s important to remember that you need these things too, so finding ways to stay meaningfully connected to your kids through the chaos of the everyday offers you the space you need to feel that connection in return. It takes some creativity, but doesn’t have to take extra effort or time. It can look like an affirmation board in the bathroom (dry erase markers on the mirror is an easy to clean option), or a secret handshake, or offering thoughtful praise while running errands in the car together (“That was really nice how you helped the bagger at the store, although I’m not surprised because you are a super thoughtful kid.” or “Thanks for turning the music down while I figured out directions, you’re a considerate kid and it’s one of the reasons I think you’re amazing.”). I recently saw a parent pick their child up from practice with a funny call and answer that brought a smile to both of their faces. These take a minute or less and yet the resulting connection lasts for a long time.
Consistency is something that parents hear about a LOT. And it’s true that children tend to be soothed and organized by consistency, predictability and routine. It helps them feel safe and secure, and provides a strong foundation upon which they can grow, explore, and develop. When life becomes uncertain and unpredictable, or routines are upended, it can challenge one’s sense of security and safety. For many children and teenagers this feeling of insecurity can be challenging to navigate because they don’t have the language, insight, or awareness to be able to express their distress directly and instead demonstrate their emotions through their behavior. Typically, the more intense the emotional disruption, the more intense the correlating behavioral disruption.
The thing is that it can be challenging to be as consistent as you may want to be when you’re shuttling back and forth to six practices, four games, three after school clubs, and two volunteer meetings every week on top of your regular job and trying to get dinner made and oh yeah, some family time crammed in there too! The trick is to be more consistent than not though. You are human and it is unrealistic to expect you will be 100% consistent with your schedule or routine or family rules as you’d like – and that’s just fine. If you can aim for being on track 60-70% of the time that’s usually sufficient for kids to feel generally steady in their worlds, with things improving as that percentage increases. Early in my career, a mentor shared the 80/80 rule – if you are 80% on target, 80% of the time you are pretty much knocking it out of the park. This affords you room to be human, and alleviates some of the pressure you may feel while running in 9325 different directions. It is an amazing model to set for your kids too as you work toward finding that balance between being consistent and also accepting of imperfection being human.
When juggling the emotional, and physical, needs of multiple children it seems that one of the things that can quickly erode is a posture of curiosity. It takes time, patience, and energy to be curious with our children. When they are toddlers it’s a bit easier since that age kind of calls for lots of inquiry and interest (“what’s that your building?”; “how did the slide feel going down on your belly instead of your bottom?”; “tell me about this picture you drew!”). I hear from parents all the time how that phase of sharing a curious stance with their child diminishes as the need for more task direction takes hold (“get your homework done”; “finish your chores”; “get ready for lacrosse”; “did you ask your math teacher about the corrections yet?”), and yet there is the same need for shared interest in older children and adolescents.
I find I have to remind myself of this one – so much of our time is spent being busy with activities and homework that it can sometimes feel as though I don’t have the attention span or the energy to sit and wonder with my girls. Except, then I have the opportunity to do so and I never fail to be struck by how powerful a connector it is – not just with me and each of them individually, but also between myself and them as a group of sisters, as well as between them as siblings too. I just adore hearing their brains process the world, each a little differently, and the only real way I can access that is by being curious about it. To be clear curiosity isn’t just interrogating – it’s wondering, puzzling together, and really trying to see it through their eyes. It requires you to be less attached to having the conversation go somewhere or lead to a particular outcome, instead being more focused on staying present in the moment and seeing the world through your children’s eyes. It is truly powerful stuff and when you can make it a habit, allows for a culture of connection throughout the family. To be fair, this one DOES take a bit of time, but it can be easier to reallocate the time you are already using – in the car for example, or waiting for the bus. A time I like to be curious with my girls is while we are driving to and from their various activities. Sometimes I need to be in my head, but a lot of the time I try to chat with them…about anything and everything – what happened at lunch today; tell me about the book you’re reading; imagine if we were all dogs what would you be; why do you like that singer/song – and they add their ideas as well. It has become part of our car rhythm and helps us all feel a little bit together for those 10 or 20 minutes.
Parenting is hard. More kids make it harder. Connection, consistency, curiosity all lessen the stress we feel.