I'm Good Enough

You are too.

My girls are close in age – there aren’t even three years between my oldest and my youngest – which means that I was neck deep in the baby and toddler stage for a long time without any real respite, and because we had no support, and no village to speak of at that point, the struggle was REAL. Much of that period is a blur, with the majority of my memories being tinged with this deep sense of guilt that I wasn’t present enough, or patient enough. It was particularly difficult because my babies all came at the same time that I was getting promotions at an increasingly toxic workplace, adding lots of pressure to an already stressful experience. Then the pandemic came along bringing things to a different level of intensity in terms of feeling like I needed to be more, do more, give more...to say I felt mom guilt is an understatement – more like I was riddled with it.

At baseline, it is HARD to be a parent, this increases with each additional child or stressor you add into your life. It is difficult to feel sure of yourself, especially in the midst of the day-to-day chaos and frenzy. It’s a real challenge to feel as though what you are doing with your children is the ‘right’ thing when so many of the dilemmas you face are a mosaic of right and wrong, good and bad. It wasn’t that I felt unsure of how to manage a given situation, I mean I am a pediatric psychologist after all, it was that I was caught broadsided by the depth and intensity of the emotional responsibility I felt for the well-being of my girls – in the short and long term. To be fair, I can be a worrier and tend toward perfectionism, however I hold sacred the responsibility for setting these girls up to feel confident, secure, and most of all, loved. Yet all my expertise seemed to cloud my ability to see straight.

I know it isn’t just me that has gone through this. One in three women struggle in the postpartum adjustment period with formal postpartum mood disruptions (depression, anxiety, or OCD), while up to 85% of women have experienced postpartum baby blues. If you expand out beyond the postpartum period (meaning beyond that first year post birth), how many parents struggle to feel confident and secure in their role? In 2024, the Surgeon General indicated that parental stress is a public health issue impacting the health and well-being of children as well as their parents, so we know that it is a considerable number of folks struggling. I also see it in my work – more and more parents reach out looking for help for themselves to better manage the role of parent, yet somehow nobody feels like they are crushing it.

The reality is nobody has a perfect parent. No one can BE a perfect parent. I am pediatric psychologist with more than two decades of experience and even I fall into this trap…thinking that I am supposed to have all the answers and respond in the most emotionally supportive manner to my children at all times. Looking back at those early years with the girls I definitely was victim to this scam more than I like to admit. I still fall victim to it from time to time.

That term “the good enough mother” has been used in psychology for more than half a century, and serves to describe the idea that children benefit from imperfect parents. It was coined by DW Winnicott, the same guy who came up with transitional objects.

The basic idea of the good enough parent is one that provides a stable and consistent connection for the child starting in infancy. It does not require that the parent be constantly attentive, only that they are reliable despite being imperfect so that the child feels the world is a predictable place. Being a good enough parent recognizes that you will inevitably let your kids down - like when you’re late to pick them up from practice, and you’ll unintentionally upset your children by not meeting their needs quickly enough or accurately enough - like saying no to things they really, really, REALLY want, or making them wait while you finish your conversation. Parents that are not 100% attentive, 100% of the time (like when you want to GASP! shower or poop alone; or go out with friends, or when you have to work, or want to talk with another grown up in the pick-up line) are imperfect, yet they are good enough if they simultaneously offer a secure, loving, RELIABLE relationship with their child. What Winnicott observed was that children benefitted from imperfect parents provided that those parents understood their child in a meaningful way and supported them reliably (not constantly). In today’s language we would say that the parent “really sees” their child for who they are. So long as the parent is ‘in sync’ with their child, the mistakes they make don’t leave lasting scars. Instead, they offer opportunity for the child to develop perspective taking and greater capacity for frustration tolerance. Assuming this mindset also offers opportunity for the parent – to develop greater capacity for trusting yourself and for remembering that the goal isn’t to be perfect but to grow into the parent you want to be.

That last bit is quiet but so important it is worth its own paragraph. The plague of perfectionism has taken over parenting. Social media definitely has contributed to this, with the curated videos and photos of moms ‘doing it all’ and having doll-like babies and toddlers that respond immediately to the first request. We all know the truth, and yet somehow, we all also succumb to the myth that if we are perfect our children will be as well. For those who had a less than loving childhood the risk of attaching to this myth is exponentially higher. I often wonder – how does this end? Moms contorting themselves to be everything for their kids without limits or concerns for their own well-being inevitably turns into kids who feels they can never do anything right or well enough. Those kids then turn into teenagers and young adults who aren’t able to tolerate mistakes and struggle to feel worthy unless they are perfect. As parents we have a privileged opportunity to set a different course for our children. We get to show them that we don’t just love them in spite of their mistakes, we love ourselves because of ours.

Winnicott knew then what we all deserve to know now. Being human - not super human - offers a model for your child. It gives them an implicit understanding that we do not need to be perfect to be worthy and that mistakes are expected from being human.

Parenting is hard. Give yourself a break. Embrace the truth that you are good enough.