He Belongs With Me!

Growing up is hard, it's easier with a badger.

The other night I was hit with another reminder of how my girls are rapidly growing into more grown up versions of themselves.

All of them have a special lovey (we call them guys) that they have cuddled and slept with for years. My younger two have their favorites, but keep a stable full of options that they rotate through, while my oldest has long been a one guy gal. Since she got him around 4 years old she has snuggled, cuddled, slept with and found solace from this one guy. Many a bedtime has been delayed in the hunt for him: “I can’t sleep without him!!”. She has brought him to vaccinations as comfort and then comforted him as he got his own band-aid. Badger has been as much a part of her childhood as anything.

He has come on every trip, been to most doctor’s appointments, and the guy against all others are ranked. Badger has gone on sleepovers, adventures, and to the movies. He has been smuggled into school and waited patiently, stuffed in a cubby, there to offer reassurance and solace whenever the need arose. I have to hand wash him because of how fragile his arms and legs have become; he’s kind of a gangly thing, well-worn and showing signs of lots of love. So, when she very calmly stated, “I don’t sleep with him anymore” the other night at tuck-ins, it hit me right in the chest. Of course, I want her to feel confident to fall asleep and know she can stand on her own without the support of this soft little guy. It’s just that it was yet another reminder of how she is shedding so many of the trappings of childhood as she gets ready to walk into the adolescent years. I can see her doing the dance that so many kids her age do as they try to figure out how to be more grown up but not being quite ready to assume the weight of all that grownness. They toggle back and forth between child and teenager, quick to scoff at you or roll their eyes should you not be able to keep up with the rapidity with which they shift back and forth. I knew she would cast Badger aside at bedtime at some point, I just wasn’t ready for it yet.

It's helpful for me when I consider the need that Badger fills for her. The attachment and connection she has to that stuffed animal is referred to as a ‘transitional object’ in psychology. Transitional objects are quite common in childhood and incredibly adaptive. It comes out of the work of British pediatrician DW Winnicott (well, he was a pediatrician who later became one of the first male child psychoanalysts of the early 20^th century). There are a lot of things that Winnicott said that remain important, however the piece that is most relevant here is his idea of the Transitional Object. Essentially, these are things that a child assigns meaning to in order to aid their movement from wholly dependent to more and more independent from their parent. It is a representational object that is assigned meaning – usually of the way they feel when with their parent - and allows for comfort and soothing when alone. Toddlers will often use this psychological tool with abandon, becoming highly attached to any old thing (hello sticks, rocks, wrappers). As children get older they will frequently let go of many of them (literally and figuratively!) but tend to hold on to one or two ‘special’ transitional objects.

The idea is that by having this secure, constant, mobile source of love and reassurance the child is more confident to explore the world around them and thus become more independent. For my oldest, Badger was absolutely her transitional object, at her side as she grew from a preschooler into a little girl and now as she approaches adolescence. He stayed true and unchanging, offering constant and predictable comfort. She learned how to tolerate separation anytime he needed to be washed (first in the machine and later by hand and air dried), and had a reliable partner to play with or confide in when things were lonely, or scary, or overwhelming. Badger helped her learn play skills and was a patient ear as she cultivated story telling techniques. Now that she has internalized the skills honed by having Badger at her side for all the major moments, she doesn’t need him as much. She can feel more confident to transition into adolescence without him next to her. This is part of healthy, normal development. Kids tend to let go of their treasured transitional objects when they no longer require the comfort and soothing those objects were created to provide. The need is no longer there, sometimes because the distress has lifted or extinguished, and sometimes because something new has taken its place.

For my daughter, it seems to be a mix. Now, she has other more grown-up transitional objects – her favorite hoodie, a prized blanket. There are similar needs being met, just in a more sophisticated manner. She no longer needs Badger to help her fall and stay asleep, and she doesn’t even need him for daily comforting as she did when she was younger. She has learned how to comfort herself and self-soothing is more automatic; those skills come from within now, and as such her need for external sources of comfort have decreased. To be clear, just like all pre-teens she still needs and relies on others for comfort, it’s just that she has more capacity for it on her own than she did when she was eight.

I remain grateful for Badger and how he stood by my girl for so long. His watch isn’t over quite yet though, I can tell that she isn’t ready to let go completely because when I asked if she wanted him to go in the bin (where all the extra guys hang out) she quickly exclaimed: “Mommy! Badger stays with me!” That little girl is still in arm’s reach it seems, taking tentative steps toward her next chapter. Badger not too far away.

Parenting is hard. Growing up is hard. Transitional objects make it easier.