The Village People
We all need them - now more than ever.
One of the things I encounter as a parent, when folks discover that I am a pediatric psychologist, is an assumption that somehow, I am doing everything right all the time and my kids follow all the directions I give. As if. I only wish that were the case.
The reality is that while I am quite good at my job, my children are not my patients. There is a solid reason that there are rules about treating family members or those you are closely connected to. The emotional involvement between my children and myself makes it hard to be the parent I want to be all the time - AND my kids are on to my game. They can smell a coping skill a mile away and if they aren’t into it will shut me down faster than I can blink my eye. I routinely have to remember that I am their mom, not their therapist, so I can allow some space for each of us to just work our way through the experience the way we need to – messy and zigzagging. I use this as a reminder to help the parents I work with too.
Despite what the internet tells us, you are not supposed to be everything to your kids. Children benefit from having a variety of adult models in their life, each serving a slightly different purpose and meeting a different need. The kids who do the best in the long run are those that have fostered connection and relationship with adults outside their family. This can be tricky for parents to accept because even if you are the actual expert in the thing they need help with, they may not want to hear it or accept it from you. The same words coming from a different adult may be heard and absorbed more readily, specifically because there is more distance in that relationship. The dynamics, expectations, and emotional vulnerability is not the same as it is within the parent/child relationship, and that is ok! It isn’t personal (even if might feel that way). Rather, it is a reflection of the fact that your child wants you to remain their parent – their cheerleader – their soft-landing place. Not their teacher, or coach, or even their therapist.
Kids need caring adults in their lives, and having outside experts can only enhance and expand the circle of connection that has proven to be invaluable to a child’s development and overall well-being. It allows your child more opportunities to learn, to grow, and to develop fully into all the parts of themselves. This is the village they speak of. If you find yourself lucky enough to have it rise up organically, relish in it! Be sure to use it to everyone’s benefit.
The bonus is that you get to see the beauty of your child shining out into the world and reflected back at you through the eyes of these outside experts. The soccer coach has an entirely different vantage point than the neighbor, friend’s parent, or classroom teacher, and all of those are distinct from the way in which you interact with your child. The opportunity to see all the facets of your child is not only beneficial for your child, it can also improve your bond and connection to them, by allowing you to be reminded of aspects you may have become blind to because of troublesome behavior, or even deepening the affection by reinforcing the personality features you highlight with them.
If, however, you find yourself in a situation where this village doesn’t arrive and feels more like mythology than reality, it might require some creativity and persistence to develop. There is also absolutely nothing wrong with a paid village (in the words of Ina Garten, “store-bought is just fine!”) since the goal is to expand the circle around your child and yourself. This looks like a babysitter or after-school program, or a team coach, a piano teacher, even a therapist. I have worked with many kids for whom the treatment was just to have a place for them to vent and feel supported, even bridging the gaps that bubbled up between them and their parent through facilitated conversations. In those situations, my job was to translate kid to adult, and adult to kid, so that each one was able to truly see the other and the child was able to feel more supported, and cared for while the parent was able to reconnect with their little one (who may actually be taller than them) and feel validated that they are in fact a good enough parent.
This idea of a village, home-made or store-bought, also leverages the opportunity for kids to learn by offering them a variety of adults that can help guide them through various challenges, thus expanding their capacity for problem solving and critical thinking skills. The other benefit is it provides much needed respite for the parent, so that there is a hair more time for your own emotional recovery from the week, one on one time with one of your other children, or even just to get errands done more efficiently (like having the laundry done start to finish in one day – dreamy…). Having a community to help you care for your children, provides care to you as well and in today’s world, this is becoming more important as parents are managing more with fewer resources of all kinds.
If you are struggling to meet every one of your child’s needs, maybe consider the other adults in their lives. I suspect that there are at least a couple of willing villagers that would step in to the circle of care.
Parenting is hard. Being everything for your kids is impossible. Having a community around you makes it easier…but remember that store-bought really is just as good.