Digital Underground

Technology does not have to take over, but you will have to figure out how to balance it with the rest of your family's needs.

We don’t tend to have an overly scheduled life; the girls don’t do a ton of activities and we put a high value on having open time for exploration and adventure seeking. With three kids though it doesn’t take much to make it feel as though we are running against the clock.

This past weekend was kind of like that. The girls each had a role in their theater school production and I was helping to manage the volunteers. It was a great time, and each of the girls shone in the part they played. However, it meant that we had absolutely zero down time all week long and more than half our weekend was taken up by the performances. In short – it was hectic!

Probably because we don’t tend to operate that way, and also for reasons that are unique to the girls, as well as our family dynamic, they don’t do well in those situations. So, my husband and I try to offer a buffer and add in extra flexibility around things like bedtimes, and treats, and screentime. When we finally arrived home after the final show, and the after party, and the after after party (!), everyone was completely wiped out.

My youngest went immediately to sleep once we read exactly two pages of some book she pulled off the floor. My middle needed a bit more settling down time but was softly snoring within 20 minutes. My oldest, however was totally and completely wrecked, overtired, somewhat dysregulated from the emotional let down of the end of this big production – they had been rehearsing for two months – and likely hungry. Yet, she was so tired she was irritable and couldn’t settle enough to sleep, and she was not quite able to verbalize the complicated and confusing feelings she was experiencing. In short, she was miserable and as most pre-teens, when she is miserable, she is sure to let everyone around her be aware of her state. It probably didn’t help things that I was also exhausted, still recovering from my health stuff from a couple of weeks ago, and insufficiently fed. Ok, not probably – definitely. It DEFINITELY did not help matters that what I wanted most was to sit on the couch.

In any event, it became very clear that my oldest was going to need something to help her soothe. We tried a bunch of things: a drink of water – rejected; a bowl of cereal – refused; time to read – “I’ve read every book in this house!”; a puzzle – “that’s stupid!”; some coloring – no way! Another 45 minutes later and we pulled out the only option we felt we had left – the video game device.

This felt like a huge white flag for us to be waving to be honest. We have extremely strict rules and limits around technology and screen time. Because of my training and my decades of experience working as a clinical psychologist, I have seen first-hand the significant negative impact that technology has on developing brains. I have also been witness to the horrors that happen to children online, in spaces that are marketed to them but are not safe for them. Not to mention the piles of research indicating that early use of technology has basically universal bad outcomes. As a result, technology and its use (or lack thereof) is one of the few places in parenting that I become intensely opinionated and somewhat rigid. I have a clear and unyielding perspective on the downsides of technology use, and any upsides are not nearly enough for me or my husband, to counterbalance that, forget about outweigh it.

Now, this has caused tension in our relationships with others and for my girls at times as well. We have steered our way through those places of tension by reminding ourselves of the troves of research supporting our approach, as well as my clinical experiences that serve as a warning bell. Still, it is difficult to hold these lines when my kids all feel they are being made to live differently (read weird) than the majority of their friends.

As my girls have entered middle school we have had to renegotiate our very rigid relationship with technology. We agreed to a handheld video game device; however, it came with a written contract for use and boundaries on online play. We allowed texting on a tablet using an email, provided it happened while sitting next to my husband or I. And still, we feel the pull to soften further. (I know – it probably seems like we are about as soft as bed of nails, but for us it has felt very lax).

We are asked routinely for a phone, or a smart watch. Our reasoned answers are not always readily accepted, but our timeframe frequently is. For us, when the girls learn to drive, they can have access to personal technology devices like a phone. The research indicates that by 16 kids’ brains are more equipped to understand the responsibility of the minicomputer they are carrying in their pocket, and more to the point I feel like if I am entrusting them to operate a motor vehicle, they can also be entrusted to be responsible with technology.

The challenge is that there is a considerable soothing quality to technology and screentime – meaning I completely understand why many parents use technology to help them through difficult moments. What is tricky is how to balance that kind and quality of soothing with emotional regulation development, which is slower and significantly more labor intensive for parent and child.

Allowing your child to be visibly, and audibly distressed is distressing! It requires you to be able to tolerate the discomfort for….as long as it takes for the child to settle. Sometimes this will be quick and other times it will be for a more extended period of time, depending on the situation and the other factors that led to the distress in the first place. It requires lots of guidance and patience on the part of the parent as they support their child without escalating things, it requires confidence too – that you can actually get them back to calm, that they will recover fully, that you are doing the right thing by your child.

Walking through the discomfort is hard on the kid too – it is overwhelming having your feelings be so big and wild. It can feel scary, which usually turns into anger and lashing out that nobody is helping them (even though you are right there). They don’t have the experience, nor the skills to moderate the intensity of their emotions which is stressful in its own right. So, it is no wonder that folks opt for the short cut to solace.

Technology has been developed to activate the pleasure centers of our brains, which is why it works so well. When we are upset our brains release cortisol, the stress hormone, along with other neurotransmitters that make it difficult to think clearly, problem solve, or even use language effectively. The hard work of soothing that distress metabolizes those chemicals, and ultimately releases others that allow us to feel more centered and secure. It also establishes new pathways in our brains for how to settle when upset, how to problem solve in the face of frustration or disappointment, and how to get to calm again. When we use technology, our brains fire pleasure chemicals which quiet everything else and ultimately rob us of the opportunity to develop any new pathway whatsoever. It also prohibits us from traveling the pathways that already exist in our brains for coping, making those less effective.

Now, to be clear, it is not to say that sometimes we need a shortcut to calm – we do. Mostly it is about using this shortcut judiciously and strategically so that it is effective, while not undermining the necessary learning required for healthy emotional development. Just like with the learning curve for driving, we expect there to be a learning curve with technology, but we can’t expect our kids to start on that curve until their brains are ready. The rules and limits we have in place now help to set the stage for putting them on that curve ready to learn. It’s a way to leverage Vygotsky’s Zone of Proximal Development.

I find that I have to remind myself of this at times, since it is such a slippery slope when using screens for soothing, and the clinical experiences I’ve had with kids and teenagers are gnarly enough to tempt me into the rotary phone era of technology and banish it altogether. But that isn’t reasonable, or realistic, in the 21^st century. So, for our family we reserve screens and technology as a coping mechanism for emergency level needs, namely when we have tried everything else and more than an hour has passed without reduction in observed distress.

That brings us back to my daughter’s room at 11p after spending close to 90 minutes trying to support and help her settle down. It took about five minutes, but she agreed to play some video games and even agreed to the time limit we indicated (because even in this situation it was important to establish some boundaries and expectations). Even with the rapid soothing nature of technology, she needed thirty minutes to finally relent and be ready for sleeping. The next day we were able to talk through all the factors that contributed to such a meltdown and even problem-solve for how to avoid a similar situation moving forward.

Do I love that she required a screen to help her settle down? Not really, if I’m honest. However, I think that is a knee-jerk reaction on my part rather than a rational thought. Of course she needs something to give her quick relief when things are so hot she can hardly see straight. Don’t we all? Why would my daughter, or any child, be any different? Isn’t that a form of emotional regulation? Primitive emotional regulation to be certain, but sometimes primitive regulation is required because the distress has commandeered too much of your brain. I often find that I have to balance the fear that I have as a result of my clinical experiences with what makes sense in reality for my particular children, in our particular situation.

The reality is that navigating technology with children is difficult. It is also true that there are markedly better outcomes for kids that are able to delay use of technology as long as possible, with earlier and more regular use correlating to worse outcomes in regard to mental health, relationship quality, academic performance, and even sleep by some measures. But, as with most things, it is not all or nothing. There is a mosaic of options in between that each family must come to terms with and determine where to land.

What I know works though, is to have frequent, regular, and open conversation with your kids about the reasons that technology is not as beneficial as they may think. The more open you can be about your concerns (age-appropriate descriptions!), as well as the criteria you set for walking through different gates (responsibility metrics, communication metrics, trust metrics, etc.), the less tension tends to build within your relationship with your child. It won’t solve it, but it will allow for greater opportunities to connect and discuss together, so it will feel less fraught.

Parenting is hard. Balancing screentime and technology can make it feel impossible. Opening the door for conversation can help.