Dance With Somebody Who Loves You

Co-regulation helps soothe your child...and allows you to feel steady in the face of their emotional storms.

“MOMMA!!!” My youngest was absolutely beside herself after arguing with her sisters. Honestly, I have no idea what the catalyst was, but I know that they had been bickering all morning, each one had felt left out by the others at some point, and we were rapidly approaching lunch meaning hunger was starting to take its toll. I also was feeling on edge because of all the bickering and the need for repeated refereeing. In any case, she ran up to me sobbing and screaming my name over and over.

The reality is that my daughter is learning how to self-soothe and increase her capacity to cope with frustration, however there are times when her experiences will outweigh her current capacity. This is true for all kids, largely because of the way in which their brains develop and how emotional regulation skills tend to evolve over time as part of executive function development.

I stopped and thought immediately that she can’t settle herself so I’m going to have to help her - the thing was that I was most definitely NOT feeling settled myself. Because it had been hours of the girls yelling and needing support to work through their conflicts - all of which were pretty much unsuccessful; not to mention that I’ve been wrestling with increased baseline stress from heightened demands at work, the world at large being scarier, and a bunch of other things, I was running on fumes that particular day. Yet, my littlest was in desperate need of my full energy to help her navigate this moment of intense distress.

Sigh. Parenting books don’t talk about moments like this; when your kid is in need of your emotional support and yet your well is running dry.

I tend to sing when stressed. The sillier and more outlandish the better. It is the fastest way for me to discharge my negative energy and get back to center. So that’s what I did as my daughter was sobbing, “MOMMA!!” over and over. I began to sing Bohemian Rhapsody, changing the words to match the situation that was happening in front of me. My daughter didn’t immediately find it as regulating as I did, but as I started to hug her tightly and dance with her – dipping her periodically, she stopped crying and I could feel her relax in my arms. Then that made space for us to talk a little bit about what she could do to help herself.

So, what do you do as a parent when your child needs help to soothe and you are just not feeling it?

The truth is that you focus on yourself for a moment. You find ways to quickly and efficiently fill your tank so you can make it to the next rejuvenation station. Things like taking a breath…from your belly not your shoulders; or naming your feelings; or narrating your problem-solving ideas (“Mommy is super stressed right now and feeling a little bit overwhelmed so she’s going to take a few breaths to try and get back into thinking brain.”), all serve to rapidly increase your capacity to cope temporarily. You can also take a couple deep drinks of water, do a 10-30 second dance break – with or without music!, or sing your favorite song since these do the same thing while also activating higher cortical areas of your brain. My Bohemian Rhapsody mashup is another example of how you can make it your own and add a touch of humor to the mix, enhancing the calming effect.

By focusing on getting yourself sorted out and regulated, you not only expand your coping resources in the moment, you’re also leaning on a concept called co-regulation, which happens as a result of mirror neurons and attachment. Co-regulation suggests that children and parents have a symbiotic relationship where the emotions of one impact the emotions of the other. Essentially, the idea of co-regulation is that if you stay calm or soothe yourself in the midst of emotional turmoil with your child, your child will calm. (Alternately if you get agitated, your child will get agitated.) It’s kind of a jedi mind trick that you can use to support yourself when feeling overstretched. It’s why as I was singing and dancing, my daughter started to calm down and have more space to cope with her feelings, while I also felt increasingly emotionally resourced.

There are other pieces that help with co-regulation that go beyond you as a parent soothing yourself. Hugging and squeezing can work for some kids, although you really need to know your child as this can escalate things for some kids. I usually start by asking if my girls want a hug, or opening my arms for an embrace allowing them to walk in or not. My daughter had run into my arms which is why I knew I could hold her close and dance with her. That physical connection alone can help to regulate your brain as well as theirs, and help you feel less alone. It’s a way that you can enhance your own regulation, so if your child is willing it can be a win-win.

Part of why singing works well is because it switches up both the tone and prosody of your normal speaking voice allowing you to convey a feeling of relaxation even if you aren’t fully there. If singing isn’t your thing, you can try to narrate a grounding activity or a breathing exercise since the narration component will also force a change in speech. Even if you don’t sing or use a guided activity, being aware of your tone of voice and the rapidity of your language is important. Low and slow is a good way to remember how to get into the head of an upset kid for the purpose of calming them.

By the time I finished my Queen impersonation, my daughter had slowed down, was able to verbalize her frustration with her sisters along with her growing hunger, and even could identify a couple of reasonable solutions like eating lunch then going to play outside with the neighbors for a while instead of staying cooped up with her sisters. I also felt a bit lighter, even if I was tired, knowing that we navigated a microburst of distress together, and ultimately helped forge beneficial pathways for how to approach similar experiences in the future.

Parenting is hard. Parenting while stressed is even harder. Co-regulation can help.