As A Matter of Routine

Finding predictability can soothe in chaotic times.

I don’t know about you, but January has been a year…

I find that it’s getting harder for me to manage the intensity of the chaos in the world around me. Some of it is that the chaos not only seems to have amplified recently but it feels like it’s coming from all sides, and some of it is that my kids are getting old enough to have some awareness of the larger world and society. That all means I spend more time informing myself on what is happening around me so I can then offer an age-appropriate explanation of things which, at times, defy explanation. Much of what I find distressing is that so much of what is happening in the larger world undermines my sense of safety in it, along with my ability to keep my kids safe as they start their movement into that world. For me, this sense of safety is compromised largely because things feel so unpredictable and unsteady, and for parents of children in marginalized groups this is magnified exponentially.

To be honest, some of this angst comes as an outgrowth of parenting an older child. The more your child engages with the greater world the more fear can show up, for a whole host of reasons. Parents in marginalized groups carry more stress for the safety of their children for very concrete reasons, while for others, the intrusion of reality in their child’s life is sufficient to feeling more stressed and afraid. Ultimately what is common for most parents is that as the predictability in the world they have cultivated for their child degrades, so too does feeling secure. The intensity, and context, of this varies, of course, but the pattern remains. It’s true for non-parents as well. There is a very good reason for this: predictability is soothing to our brains. We are wired for predictability and categorization. You can see it in very young children as they try to understand their world by grouping like things together, and often get it not quite right (calling all vehicles a car, or referring to all white-haired women as Grandma, for example). This isn’t just to help with learning language, it offers us a way to make sense of what is happening so that mental energy can be reallocated from evaluating dangerousness to developing higher order skills and acquiring more sophisticated knowledge.

There are lots of psychological theories that offer explanations for this; everything from learning theory, to neurosensory development, to cognitive processing theory, attachment theory, and emotional regulation development. The important thing to remember though is that for a variety of reasons predictability helps us organize our world, know how to operate within and feel a sense of safety in it...a predictable world is a stable world (even if the thing that is predictable is unhealthy or dysfunctional). It's part of why routines are so important for mental wellness. When our worlds are either unpredictable – as they have felt lately - or something spontaneous or unexpected happens, we can kind of...freak out. Our minds don’t know what to do with this new information, and it immediately puts it in the danger category as a means to protect us until we can assess further and determine what this new thing means - or how it fits in with what we already know - which then tells us how to manage and move forward. And the same is true with our kids, except even more so because their brains have fewer categories and less information to compare the new thing to, not to mention fewer reasoning skills to aid them in processing the uncertainty. This is most obvious in toddlers when they hit the neophobic stage where they become averse to anything new (usually food) and approach these with anything from reticence or anger to abject fear.

The challenge is that as much as our minds might want our lives to be predictable, living a full life requires us to have tools to make space for newness, for spontaneity. If we want our kids to be resilient and flexible, uncertainty must be part of the equation. So how do we balance all of this? There are several strategies that can decrease, but not eliminate, the distress that comes from living in an unpredictable world, or being surrounded by uncertainty.

One of the techniques that can work quite well is tying the new to the old. One of the theories as to why predictability is soothing relates to how we form frames of reference for our experiences. If we can try to find the similarities between what you have done before - or what you already know - to what you are about to do - or just learned - things can feel considerably less intense. This is because once we have a way to understand a thing, it activates a cascade of neural connections that inform us on how to respond to, and incorporate, that thing into our understanding of the world. Even for little ones, there are always means to find connections to previous experiences. You aren’t looking for big similarities, or upbeat connections necessarily; just something that feels familiar. (For example, if the new thing has to do with a sudden change, recalling the other times you successfully navigated an unexpected shift. Maybe considering the steps you took, or even just how you felt after sorting it out – or the fact THAT you sorted it out – all of these serve the purpose of connecting new to old.) It WILL help reduce – not eliminate - the distress around the uncertainty and allow for greater willingness to accept this new thing. It helps your brain see that the new thing isn't actually all that new and reminds us not just that we can do it, but gives a bit of a clue for how we did so.

Another strategy that can be useful is to actively and consciously label the new experience in a way that feels true. Naming our experiences offers a means of categorization that instantly reduces the distress (again, not eliminates – reduces!) such that we can feel a bit more in control of our world. Helping our children describe what they are experiencing, with and without feeling words, is not only a great strategy to aid in increasing a sense of predictability it also creates a foundation for how to manage distress moving forward.

The world will continue to have chaos swirling all around. It is important to remember that while discomfort is part of parenting…and part of growing up, we do not have to get caught up in that spiral as often or as intensely. We can reestablish our sense of safety and predictability, even just a little bit, if not for ourselves (although that is enough of a reason!), but for our children, and fortify them to find the steady in themselves.

Parenting is hard. Especially right now. Finding some measure of predictability in the chaos can make it less so.