A New Year
New does not have to mean scary.
New Year’s has long been my favorite holiday. There’s something so appealing about the promise of a new start; a clean slate. With so few obligations attached to New Year’s, it’s like a treat after the intensity of the holidays that immediately precede it. I happen to adore holidays like that – those that carry little to no weight of obligatory tradition.
For me New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day stand out as a marker for how we want to walk into the new year. If I am honest, I kind of have this feeling at the start of every month (if I am really honest, I feel a small version of this every day…). The idea that we can begin again. Fresh. Clean. Anew. I am so drawn to that concept. Maybe the appeal is being able to shed the burdens that have been rubbing callouses, or maybe it’s the promise of the possibility of what CAN be…
Either way, I find that the start of the calendar year brings with it a measure of hopefulness that I try to transmit to my kids. I very much want them to feel excited and full of hope as they approach something new. So many folks dread the start of the new year; the start of anything new really. I completely understand and appreciate that. It is scary to step out onto a new path, when all the doubts that we’d been carrying seem to stow away despite our best intentions to leave them behind. I suppose that is what most would call anxiety. My preference is to call this what it is – fear or doubt. Fear can stymie growth, can impede development, can stifle exploration. Fear tells us that the world is too scary – too big, too intimidating so that we stay burdened by those calloused loads. We stay in our same routines and ways of being out of fear for what might happen if we didn’t and doubt that we would be able to manage the outcome.
Little kids tend to be driven by wonder and exploration. Their desire to learn and discover tends to drive them through whatever fear may arise. This can be more or less obvious depending on the temperament of the particular child, however what is most typical is a young child launching themselves headlong into something new, being super-duper excited for any celebration. Older kids start to lose this as their brain matures and is able to consider the world in more sophisticated ways. The capacity for excitement remains though, for those that have not been saddled with fear for newness.
Neophobia is adaptive, particularly for tiny humans still figuring out what is dangerous and what is friendly. You see neophobia emerge in toddlerhood and some say it is a leftover from the days when a toddler wandering out on the savannah may inadvertently eat a poisonous berry. I know, plenty of toddlers still shove pretty much anything in their mouths so it isn’t a total explanation, my point is that it served a purpose at some point!
The idea that anything new is to be feared is also related to the theories of child psychologist, Erik Erikson. Erikson was an interesting guy and much of his theoretical concepts came out of working with kids and families in a vast variety of situations. He was trained by Anna Freud (Sigmund’s daughter and a powerhouse theorist in her own right – she is considered the founder of child psychoanalysis and play therapy) and many of the concerns Erikson had in the middle of the 20th century resonate with parents today – rapid social change; racial tensions; troubled adolescents struggling with their identity; the generation gap and its impact on families. His overall theory was that as people develop through their life, they enter eight stages or ‘crises’ that serve to inform their psychological identity. As people navigate these stages there is a confirmation of their emerging identity at deeper and deeper levels. As an infant your identity is merged with your caregiver, so the initial stage relates to the infant being able to trust that the world will support them, which ultimately translates into feeling self-trust because of the correlation to acceptance. Essentially the idea is that as babies come to believe and have faith that their caregiver will tend to their needs, the foundation is laid for feeling worthy and accepted. This sets things in place for the next stage where toddlers are learning how to walk and have more control over their body: what goes in and what goes out! It is around this time that many parents report that their previously sweet, flexible, and cooperative baby has turned into a strong willed and defiant toddler. They may refuse to try any new food, or protest during diaper changes, maybe even refusing potty training efforts altogether. They may be afraid of new people or resist going to new places. From Erikson’s perspective this ability to feel confident in their emerging independence is more easily developed if there is a foundation of trust – in themselves and the world around them. The third stage is about feeling confident in standing their ground (taking initiative) without feeling they haven’t proved their worth. This looks like kids who don’t ever seem sure of themselves, they seem to believe that they are somehow less deserving of the treat, or the good outcome, or can’t possibly imagine saying no when they actually hate peas. (Again, this is not an all the time thing, think trending tendencies.) The later stages all work off of these primary stages and expand as toddlers grow into children and teenagers then adults.
When I am working with kids, I am always listening for these basic and foundational postures. Does the child feel worthy and trusting of their environment? Do they have faith in themselves? Does this allow them to try new things with confidence or apprehension? Do they require reassurance to speak their mind?
Ultimately, the way in which a child approaches something new – a new food, a new experience, the new year…it can be connected to how confident they feel. In themselves; in the world to support them; in their faith that, should something go unexpectedly, their needs would be recognized and aid would be rendered. Often, there is a glitch in one of these areas that contributes to that child (adults as well to be fair) feeling uncertain and afraid.
The good news is that by tending to those areas of basic trust and worthiness most folks are able to shift, and see that different does not mean danger, new does not have to mean scary. We can help those we love see that things don’t have to be the same to be secure. We can help them see that they have shown up for themselves time and again, and there have been scores of new experiences that have been just fine! With time and practice, and yes patience, they will come to trust themselves. Ultimately, the antidote to fear is trust in yourself - and if you really want to know, it’s the antidote to anxiety.
As we enter this new year, either with gusto or trepidation, know that it is never too late to start anew.
Parenting is hard. Trying new things is hard. Faith in ourselves makes it easier.